Setting Boundaries as Self-Care

By Kristina Wilder

Setting boundaries with those around us is essential when creating healthy relationships. But it’s equally important for good self-care. Of course, we want to support the people we care about, but that takes time and energy, finite resources we don’t always have enough of. To care for others and ourselves, we need to budget what we give and what we keep in reserve.

Maintaining those boundaries can be particularly challenging when people push us to give in or pester us repeatedly. Others rudely refuse to take ‘No’ as an answer — as if they’re simply owed something. It can also be easy to feel guilty when, technically, you could give something but chose not to. Setting and maintaining boundaries, even in the face of opposition or difficult feelings is critical to self-care, so thinking about what is sustainable to give can help.

What can I give sustainably?

Instead of asking ourselves only how much time, money, effort or emotional support we can give, it might be healthier to ask what we can afford to give sustainably over time. Much like with a financial budget, we can’t be so generous with our resources that we give them all away and have nothing left to pay our own bills. It’s only by making sure you save enough of those critical resources for your own needs that you can ensure your continued ability to be there for those around you over the long-term. Setting and maintaining boundaries in relationships allows us to do that.

How to Set Boundaries in Relationships?

If you find yourself struggling to set boundaries in relationships know you’re not alone.  It can be really tricky to identify, communicate, and maintain your limits — particularly if your family didn’t model healthy boundaries when you were growing up. Anyone can learn to do it and, like most things, setting and maintaining boundaries gets easier with practice. Therapy can also be helpful to support you when trying to take better care of yourself.

Here are some things to consider when setting boundaries in relationships:

• Start thinking about what your needs actually are. What do you like? What do you want for yourself, now and in the near-future? When you start getting an idea, think about what you might need to keep in reserve for yourself to get there.
• Consider your motivation for helping someone else. When debating whether to help another person, think about why you might be choosing to do so. Is  the request something you actually want to say yes to or something you feel obliged to do? If you’re going to say yes because it’s difficult to say no, ask yourself why that might be. What were you taught about yourself or other people that makes saying no seem so daunting?
• View yourself as you would someone else you care about. If a request feels unreasonable could it be that it truly is? Think about what you might tell a friend to do if the decision was theirs to make and not yours.

Get in touch if you or someone you care about struggles to set effective boundaries in relationships. Psychology can help with that.