Can Therapy Help With Adoption?
by Jessica Gardner, RP
Whether you’re still waiting to be matched or have already welcomed a child into your home, all stages of the adoption process have their challenges, filling the road to “happily every after” with ruts and potholes. The fact that successful adoptions take so long means most people face years of struggle that can strain even the strongest people and relationships. Although psychotherapy can’t make that process go any faster, it can help greatly with some of the challenges and get you ready for the rewards of parenthood and family life.
Why is adoption so difficult?
Waiting is rarely easy at the best of times. It can feel excruciating when the stakes are as high as waiting for a child and wanting to create a family. Long before even starting the formal process the seeds of dreams and hopes for a family fuel those first steps. That means we’re also having to figure out how to manage our expectations and reserve the energy needed to keep going over the long-term. Exposing ourselves to agencies, consultants, assessors and disappointment also exposes us to aspects of ourselves that we may not have been aware of before. Psychotherapy can help us find ways to tolerate the anxiety and stress that come with not feeling in control of our own lives.
Adoptive parents have often told me about falling into painful cycles of feeling pressured to become what they think adoption agencies want them to ‘be’ only to find themselves struggling to figure out what that is. They talk about the stress of trying to identify that ‘one thing’ that will put them at the top of the list and end their waiting. They also tell me about how hard it is to go on with normal life while trying to avoid those seemingly bottomless pits of disappointment and hopelessness that can come when promises fail to materialize and they’re exhausted, but feel no farther ahead.
Opening yourself to such challenges and self-exploration can also expose you to issues left over from your own family life and developmental history. Multiply that by two if you’re trying to adopt with a partner!
How can psychotherapy help with adoption?
While therapy can’t make the process go any faster or increase the chances of helping you find the child you’re looking for, therapy can help remove some of the personal and relationship barriers that make adoption challenging.
Psychotherapy works by helping you to explore yourself within the context of a safe and supportive relationship with another person. So, even when the adoption process makes you feel alone, having a good relationship with a therapist both counters that and can also help you to foster more supportive and connected relationships with friends and family.
A good therapist will also help you to discover ways you might have inadvertently been working against yourself, perhaps by trying to control the uncontrollable, or by getting caught up in patterns of unhelpful behaviour that are so ingrained you don’t even see them. Focusing on family relationships and your own attachment history is key to the process of identifying and eventually healing your own wounds.
No two adoption stories are the same. Get in touch if you want support with yours.
Jessica Gardner, RP
Jessica Gardner and her partner were successful in a lengthy process of adopting a child. They continue to work at and enjoy the challenges of family life.